LIGHTS ON…THE INSIDE OF A VOLCANO. EPIC FIGHT MUSIC PLAYS. SMOKE BILLOWS FROM CRACKS, AND THE HEAT LOOKS IMMENSE. A STONE PATH LEADS TO A LARGE CIRCLE OF STONE, WHERE THE CHARACTER AND THE MONSTER ARE BATTLING. BOTH LOOK LIKE A MEDIEVAL ERA ADVENTURE GAME. OVER THIS, WE HEAR THE CLICKING OF A VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER. CHARACTER
Hiyah!!! CHARACTER SWINGS HIS SWORD AND MISSES. MONSTER
You die now!!! RAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MONSTER ROARS AND HITS CHARACTER, KNOCKING HIM DOWN. IT ROARS MANIACALLY. FROM VOICE OVER, WE HEAR THE PLAYER. PLAYER
Aw come on, What the fuck man! I totally dodged that! GAAAY! You are so retarded! SUDDENLY CHARACTER SITS STRAIGHT UP AND LOOKS UP IN DIRECTION OF THE PLAYER’S VOICE. CHARACTER
Ok, so this needs to stop. I’m doing exactly what you tell me to do. If you can’t manage to press a button when you’re supposed to, than maybe get yourself a chimp to play for you. PLAYER
Wait, what?! How the hell are you talking? How did you do that? I’m not pressing anything……and what did you say? Dude, a chimp wouldn’t have half the skills I do. Not my problem that a half-baked troll retard was able to- MONSTER (spoken eloquently)
Now sir, that kind of vulgar language is not called for. Though it is somewhat flattering that my acting was believable enough to convince you that I am mentally impaired, you’re near constant beratement and harassment has made it far too difficult for me to stay in character. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be taking my tea now. (to CHARACTER) If he is ever ready to stay civil and play the game, give me a call. Otherwise, I shall not be doing this anymore MONSTER WALKS OFF STIFFLY. CHARACTER
Great. So now I have to convince the diva to get back into the game. You’re lucky that he doesn’t really have anywhere to go. PLAYER
You know what, that’s fine for me, because I’m a little spooked out by all of this. I’m gonna take a smoke break. CHARACTER
Don’t you dare press the pause- CHARACTER IT CUT OFF MID SENTENCE AS A CLICK IS HEARD FROM PLAYER’S CONTROLLER. ALL LIGHTS DIM EXCEPT FOR A SINGLE SPOTLIGHT ON CHARACTER. THE GAME IS PAUSED. A FEW BEATS PASS, WE HEAR THE CLICK AGAIN, AND THE GAME IS RUNNING AGAIN. CHARACTER
-button you sack of…oh I hate you so much. Do you know how weird that feels? One moment you’re living and breathing, then you’re cut off mid thought, all time stops, and next you’re back and you’ve jumped forward in time! How long?! PLAYER
Ummm, about 10 minutes. CHARACTER
See? Felt like a split second for me. Remember in Jedi when Han got defrosted? Kinda like that. PLAYER
How do you know about Return of the Jedi? CHARACTER
Who doesn’t? PLAYER
Touché. CHARACTER
Exactly. So anyway, could you wait till I’m not doing anything before you hit pause? PLAYER
Um, sure. whatever. Hey, can I ask you a question? CHARACTER
(lights a cigarette) Sure. Go ahead. PLAYER
When you die, like when you fall in one of those pits or something, what does that feel like? Does it hurt? CHARACTER TAKES A LONG DRAG OF THE CIGARETTE CHARACTER
Yeah, it does. Probably just as much as if I was real and in your world. PLAYER
What, really? …No way dude, that’s gotta be bullshit. CHARACTER
I’m talking to you aren’t I? What makes me feeling death so unbelievable? PLAYER
Well, I guess that makes some sense…Let’s try it out! CHARACTER
What? No no no, please! Come on man, you already got me killed ten times today, don’t make me- CHARACTER SUDDENLY STARTS WALKING TOWARDS A PIT OF LAVA. THE PLAYER HAS PICKED UP THE CONTROLLER AND IS NOW CONTROLLING THE CHARACTER AGAIN. CHARACTER
You son of a bitch! Please! PLEASE! Don’t make me do this again! I’ll teach you the cheat codes! I know where the developers hid porn in the game! I’ll show you! Please no! DON’T!! UNDER THE PLAYER’S CONTROL, CHARACTER WALKS INTO THE LAVA PIT. IMMEDIATELY, HE BEGINS TO SCREAM AND THRASH AROUND VIOLENTLY AND BELIEVABLY, AS IF HE IS BEING BURNED ALIVE. PLAYER
Holy shit! Dude, dude, I’m so sorry! Shit! CHARACTER SINKS OUT OF VIEW. A FEW BEATS PASS, AND CHARACTER JUMPS BACK OUT OF THE LAVA, LAUGHING. CHARACTER
Oh man! You should have seen yourself! You sounded like you were about to cry! Hahahahaha! PLAYER
Ok, not fucking cool man! I really thought you were burning! Ok, you know what, I’ve had enough of this mind fucking for today. I’m gonna go read or something. CHARACTER
Aw come on! Can’t you take a little joke? I was just foolin’ with you. Come on, lets finish this level at least. I’m getting tired of all this lava. I’m gonna sweat though my armor. PLAYER
No, I’m done for today. CHARACTER
(sighs) Fine, whatever you say. Same time tomorrow then? PLAYER
Yep. CHARACTER
You should really get a girlfriend or something. Give your hands a break. Or at least your right hand! Hahahaha! PLAYER
Fuck you. Bye. WE HEAR A BIGGER CLICK THAN BEFORE, AND THE STAGE JUMPS COMPLETELY TO BLACK. HE HAS TURNED OFF THE GAME SYSTEM. END.